"If It Is Not On Paper, It Doesn't Exist"
by Beat With Out Writer Richard Young, posted Dec 10, 2009
The Beat With Out is an extention of the Beat Within, a writing program for youth in juvenile hall. The Beat With Out allows writers to continue to contribute after they leave juvenile hall.
For more go to: http://thebeatwithin.org/

Well, once again, it’s your friend Richard Young writing to you from aspen unit in Phoenix, Az. Thank you for sending me the issue where you printed my letter and poem. It is very inspiring and encouraging when I can share my printed stories with the guys and the staff here at aspen. Things have sort if changed a little bit for the better since the last time that you heard from me. Through effective wording and the power of the pen, all of the 130 or so guys here have finally received brand new mattresses. More important than that, we now have a competent, open, and effective medical provider-after dealing with a callous, ineffective medical provider for the past 18 months that I’ve been here.

I am speaking purely from personal experience when I tell you this-“if it is not on paper, it does not exist”. If you have an issue, a problem, or a need-put it in writing, talking about it gets nothing done. A lot more sets of eyes see what you write down. More than you think. It took me a long time to realize that the only way to change anything in this system is to write it down and submit it to the proper people.

I’m leaving prison in 7 months, and I must admit to all of you that I am excited, nervous, scared, and also hopeful. I have a halfway house set up for me, and I am going to utilize every avenue for treatment and counseling that I possibly can. I am a guy who knows that the outside world is more of a challenge (way more) than living here in this prison facility. The responsibilities are greater, and all of the urges for all of our various addictions will once again rear their ugly heads.
Some of the guys here do nothing but complain about this place and seem to believe that once these gates open up for them all of their perceived problems will be gone. You have got to be kidding me!! In here our rent is paid, our meals are paid for, our doctors visits and medication are free, and our utilities are paid.

When we get out, we now must seek to provide all of these things and more. Our instinct as addicts is, when one things goes wrong or doesn’t go our way, we run to drugs or alcohol or sex, or whatever it may be that makes our pain go away and to make our world a more livable place. You see, once we realize that these substances and behavior are not the problem, but are just a symptom of our problem, then we can finally get to the root cause of our destructive behaviors.
You see, if it tell myself that all I need to do is, “stay away from meth” or “avoid destructive relationships with women”, all I am really doing is seeing a symptom of a problem that exists in me. What is it that drives me to use drugs? What is it that makes me latch on to a woman in order to feel good about myself? I have to look past the symptoms and find out what it is inside that I am lacking, or what is that hurts so bad that I need to kill the pain? I know for me that there are several things that are killing me inside.  My ego, my insecurities, the pain I put my loved ones through- all of these things, and more, are issues that I chose to run from in the past.

Problem is- I ran straight towards drugs, women, and basically a life that I’m not proud of. I did not love myself. I was looking for fulfillment in every drug or woman that would bring me happiness-even if I knew deep down that it would only be temporary, that, at least, was better than no love at all. I am convinced that if I would have loved myself, that I would never have been able to put myself through destructive ways of living.

You guys, I am speaking to you from the heart and I only know how to be honest with all of you, because if I’m not going to be honest and speak from my heart, then I have no business writing in this newsletter. Please understand that I have to at least attempt to relay what I have found in my heart as a result of all of the bad choices I have made. We have to find within ourselves the ability to love ourselves before we can ever attempt to effectively love another person.

Please, please, please-take a good look at yourself-an honest look. Admit your faults, and listen to others that have a perception of your behavior. Don’t get defensive, don’t lash out- but honestly listen. Find someone whose opinion you value, and listen to what they have to say. Tell someone the things you have hidden from others for years, get it out. There comes a time when we have to open up, and finally release these burdens that we are carrying around.

If you keep avoiding these issues, I can assure you that it will come out and be in the form of a bad relationship, drug abuse, or some other behavior that is a symptom of an issue that is within you and has become a part of who you are. Find what it is inside you that you are afraid to face or bring up, and talk about it with someone who will listen. Is it worth hiding, or hanging on to, if it pushes you to engage in life’s destroying behaviors? Hell no. If it isn’t easy to do, if it isn’t easy to speak about, then that’s probably a good indication that you are addressing a real and genuine issue. Something inside our past, or inside our “emotional closet” has pushed us towards something that we think will make the pain go away. Be open, be honest, and talk about. We don’t need to be the “closet” person in the room anymore.

Helping yourself opens you up to the chance that you can then help someone else to help themselves. Don’t fight everything and every situation. Try to learn to say, “It is what it is”. You can either choose to let things destroy you, or you can ask yourself what it is that you are meant to learn from each situation that you experience. I personally, am learning each and every day and by no means do I have things figured out. I see this prison life everyday. The public is told that the dept. of corrections is rehabilitating men and women in the hopes that we will learn to be productive members of society. That is a bunch of lies that they are feeding to society.

In short, they are warehousing us and don’t have the slightest desire to provide us with the tools to help us change the real problems inside us. My point is, then don’t lie to the public and say that rehabilitation is a priority within the system. Tell them the truth, that being, that the system is broke, we are facing a crisis, and that they are just warehousing us. I got caught with pot, and they told me that I am to be warehoused for 4 years for breaking the law. No real issues are addressed for the majority of us, and all we will leave here with is 50 dollars in our pocket and the problems we faced prior to prison will still be there.

Just tell the public the real deal, that’s all. The problems aint gonna just go away. The problem is that no one within the administration has the balls to tell the public what’s really going on, for whatever reason. All around me I see wounded little children with no clue at the enormity of the emotional and mental issues occurring within them. 90 percent of the staff here are just here for a paycheck, and aren’t really concerned about anything more than their own lives. That’s real. Its going to require people who love themselves in such a way that they love and care enough about their fellow man to show him the path to self improvement.

I really don’t see that happening any time soon. I see people who only care about a paycheck, I see men who are way “over medicated”, and I see a skeleton crew of mental health staff that are so over burdened that true help for all of us is impossible at this rate. I can only give you my honest, non-biased view of what I see all around me. More pills make us easier to manage, and so clouded that we can’t possibly crack the surface of our problems. The only thing that has helped me is to forgive myself, attain my peace and happiness from within, and admit to myself when I am wrong.

Something deeply spiritual happens all by itself when you begin to love who you are. Treat all of the others around with love, even if you don’t agree with their behaviors or the things that they do. Remember, they are so lost in their own turmoil that the only thing that you can really do is forgive them. People, I know that this may sound crazy, but if you can find a way to be content in yourself right now, and find something to be thankful for right now, then you will almost be guarantees that you will be ably to be content when you are outside these walls.

My happiness comes from within, and every time. I catch myself becoming unhappy from something external. I kick myself and become aware of the fact that I should know better. Whatever happens, I’ll deal with it. In case you think share with you a few of the things that I have experienced. I have been addicted to heroin, to pills, to crack, to powder, to meth, to alcohol, and methadone. I was sexually abused as a child by someone I loved. My parents were alcoholics and I saw my dad hit my mom. I destroyed my marriages, and I have a daughter who is 10 who I’ve never even seen. My sister died from AIDS. My mother died from cancer, and I was too concerned with drugs to visit her on her deathbed, or even to attend her funeral.

I was homeless, and addicted, on the streets of Phoenix for over three years. I’ve been to rehab, to psychiatric hospital, have attempted to overdose myself to commit suicide. I was diagnosed with cancer last year. I went through surgery for it, and three rounds of chemotherapy to hopefully rid myself of it. I have alienated every last member of my family with my selfish, deceitful behavior I practiced over the years.

I could go on and on, but hopefully you see that I do have every reason to hate life, hate myself and everybody around me. Truth be told, I’m sure it was the cancer that opened my eyes. I now find at least one thing every day to be thankful for. I am learning to like myself. These were just things that were necessary for me to experience to become the person I am today. I am not my past. I am in the process, as we speak, of finding that peace deep down within myself.

Please don’t give up you guys. Everything you experienced can be over-comed. Ask for help if it’s available to you right now. This was not some “pep talk”- this is from my heart and is honestly the word of some ex-loser that is unfolding into a flower that has the scent of a peace within. Until next time, stay tuned.